Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Wa-hoo!!! I forgot!!!

So, it occurred to me yesterday that this was October twenty-somethingth. And then it hit me -- I missed it!!

On Sunday October 20, 2002, at roughly 3:15 pm, my then-husband walked out the door, never to return. It devastated me. At the time, I really thought that being married to him was the only thing defining me as a person, and I honestly couldn't see how I was going to survive without him. I held it together long enough for him to get his Beetle packed with "enough stuff to get him through the next couple of weeks" down the road, then I. Lost. It.

I really did freak out the dog (who had only been with us for about 8 months at that time), and the cat, with my crying. Not crying. Bawling. Wailing. Howling. I really don't think there were more than 15 waking minutes the rest of that day where I wasn't actively sobbing. It were awful.

But I made it through that day. And the next. And the next. And next thing I knew, it was a year gone by. People would ask me how long we'd been separated, and my reply was inevitably -- with not a moment's hesitation -- "Five months, two weeks, four days, 6 hours and....about 8 minutes."

On October 20, 2003, at 3:15 pm, I took a little break from work, went out to the picnic tables, and had a single-glass size bottle of champagne to celebrate that I'd made it through.

On October 20, 2004, I probably remembered at some point during the day that thats was the anniversary of That Day, but didn't mark it.

I have since gone from being able to quote the time since he left down to the minute, to answering "About 2 years", to "Huh. Let me think about that."

It is no longer the defining moment of my recent life. It no longer tortures me that I wasn't able to figure out what I did wrong. I no longer care whether he's dating a girl in the office, in his apartment building, or the entire hookers lineup of south side Chicago. It is simply part of my past, and I have learned many lessons from it.

There are a few lessons that I have to consciously think about applying, as I grow my relationship with the Cute Blonde Boy. But I'm hoping I've at least been able to take the positive parts of the relationship with RatBastard (though I hardly ever call him that any more) and turn them into stepping stones to a healthy, long-lasting realtionship with the AMAZING guy that I'd never have met, if it wasn't for whats-his-toes walking out on me. I don't think I'd give up the CBB now for anything, even a time machine to make changes in the first marriage.

And today, I realized that I'd let the 20th of October come and go without the history of the day even surfacing to memory. I think that's a marvelous thing.

3 Comments:

Blogger Dody's World mused...

High five! You think back to when you first split and people told you that you would feel better over time. At that moment, you can't imagine EVER feeling better and moving on. But then one day, you forgot how bad you were feeling. It's awesome. Congrats Pam!

Thu Oct 26, 02:55:00 pm  
Blogger Sara of the Rockies mused...

I'm so proud of you! I know at the time that it was terrible, but I knoew you would be bettery off without him, and look...now you are! You go girl!

Tue Nov 07, 12:18:00 pm  
Blogger Andrew mused...

That is a wonderful thing hon. And I get the impression your current...arrangement suits you much better.

Sat Dec 02, 09:01:00 am  

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