10 Things A Man Should Know About Women And Sex
Well, it's Dejo, your guest poster, here! I received a solicitation in the mail for a year's subscription to Esquire magazine at a very cheap price (of $5.99). Included with the offer was a list of "10 Things A Man Should Know About Women And Sex". I liked the list so I thought I'd share.
1. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you're looking at her breasts.
2. A good woman is as excited about a gift that costs nothing as she is about a gift that costs a lot. (The perfect, quirky gift that shows that you've been listening is worth twice the value of anything you'd find at Tiffany's.)
3. Never ask a woman why she's mad at you -- she will only get madder for your not knowing.
4. An unsolicited kiss is to a woman what free play-off tickets are to a man. Even better, flowers on days that aren't Valentine's Day, anniversaries, or birthdays.
5. Sometimes women want it when you don't, and for you not to give in on such occasions sets a terrible precedent.
6. If you're buying her a sex toy, do not presume she wants the biggest one -- most likely she does not.
7. How to locate the G-spot: Aim for it, and then ask her if your aim is true. (That said, if you ask every step of the way, you'll begin to remind her of her gynecologist.)
8. The woman-on-top position allows her more control over her destiny -- and allows many men more control over their duration. (However, that does not excuse watching television while she does all the work.)
9. It is crucially important that you do not have sex the same way every time. (Put another way: Having sex the same way every time makes people want to have sex with different people just to vary things.)
10. Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully, die.
P.S.: "Ménage à trois" is French for "in your dreams."
P.P.S.: "Nobody actually eats the edible panties.
So, there's the list. Feel free to dicuss amongst yourselves. Better yet, mumble your thoughts back!
And now some jokes...
Joke #1:
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfying smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking frustrated. The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."
Joke #2:
One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
And finally... A Limerick:
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
Oh, speaking of which, Happy Birthday, Louis Braille! In honor of his birthday, Google has a special homepage logo.
1. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you're looking at her breasts.
2. A good woman is as excited about a gift that costs nothing as she is about a gift that costs a lot. (The perfect, quirky gift that shows that you've been listening is worth twice the value of anything you'd find at Tiffany's.)
3. Never ask a woman why she's mad at you -- she will only get madder for your not knowing.
4. An unsolicited kiss is to a woman what free play-off tickets are to a man. Even better, flowers on days that aren't Valentine's Day, anniversaries, or birthdays.
5. Sometimes women want it when you don't, and for you not to give in on such occasions sets a terrible precedent.
6. If you're buying her a sex toy, do not presume she wants the biggest one -- most likely she does not.
7. How to locate the G-spot: Aim for it, and then ask her if your aim is true. (That said, if you ask every step of the way, you'll begin to remind her of her gynecologist.)
8. The woman-on-top position allows her more control over her destiny -- and allows many men more control over their duration. (However, that does not excuse watching television while she does all the work.)
9. It is crucially important that you do not have sex the same way every time. (Put another way: Having sex the same way every time makes people want to have sex with different people just to vary things.)
10. Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully, die.
P.S.: "Ménage à trois" is French for "in your dreams."
P.P.S.: "Nobody actually eats the edible panties.
So, there's the list. Feel free to dicuss amongst yourselves. Better yet, mumble your thoughts back!
And now some jokes...
Joke #1:
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfying smile on his face. The egg is frowning and looking frustrated. The egg says, "Guess we answered that question."
Joke #2:
One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist's appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow?"
And finally... A Limerick:
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
Were tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
Oh, speaking of which, Happy Birthday, Louis Braille! In honor of his birthday, Google has a special homepage logo.
posted by DEJO at 5:04 pm
4 Comments:
Yay, Dejo, Guest Poster Extraordinaire!
2. Yup -- while diamonds are a girl's best friend, knowing that you put more thought into the gift than the salesgirl means a bunch.
4. And the further into the relationship, the more inportant this is.
6. As a Passion Parties consultant, I can vouch for this. Better: buy her a sex toy or condiment (think edible powders) that you can use TOGETHER.
Edible panties = fruit rollups completely devoid of taste. Not worth it.
So, is it worth $6 to see what other gems Esquire offers up?
Well I'll be damned....this is actually a fairly decent list!
Flowers defintely important! Just one of multiple reasons my marriage failed....NEVER repeatedly tell your partner "I'm sorry I just forget."
Dejo, that will be the best $5.99 you've ever spent on a periodical.
Esquire is my favorite magazine for pure reading pleasure. It's pretty much a cover-to-cover read for me, month after month. I started getting it with a similar deal to yours, and have renewed it (at an also-reasonable $11 a year) for coming up on 10 years now. Aside from the lame "sex advice" written by a wise-cracking comedienne and which is often completely devoid of advice for sure, and often even sex, Esquire is the only reasonably intelligent mens' magazine that still publishes the occasional picture of a near-naked woman. Mike D'Angelo is my favorite film critic (even though I don't, you know, actually go to the movies anymore), they publish original essays and fiction by David Foster Wallace (whose meditation on professional tennis, titled "String Theory," debuted in Esquire and made me a fan of his), T.C. Boyle, David Sedaris*, and Dave Eggers (among others), and they fetishize male models to a much lesser extent than sister publication, G.Q. They also seldom take themselves too seriously, for which I am quite grateful.
Is there any better "mens'" magazine?
* This reminds me of my brush with fame yesterday. I was driving to work when I looked to my left and saw a Sedaris Hardwoods trailer towed behind a pickup truck, presumably driven by David Sedaris's redneck brother (unforgettably portrayed in a story originally published, where else?, in Esquire), The Rooster. I saw him near the Raleigh-Durham border. Makes me wonder if his entertainer siblings' fame has driven his flooring business to locales nearly 100 miles from his home town of Greensboro.
Wow, I ought to print that thing and give it to future dates or something! ;) Thanks for posting it.
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